Dinner Celebration

One of the engineers in my office got married over the May holiday. Marriage here is different, not surprisingly, from the US. A couple decides to get married and obtains their marriage license. Some time in the first year after receipt of the license, they will have the wedding. The wedding is hosted by an announcer who will tell stories of how the couple met. The wedding venue is filled with pictures of the happy couple taken by a photographer in advance of the wedding.

In this case, my colleague was required to go to the bride's parent's home and give her family money in return for her hand. It is a foregone conclusion (it was in this case anyway) that her family will consent. I believe the money part of it was all staged for show. Food and drinks are served at the party and it is taped for posterity. The wedding guest give the couple red envelopes of money rather than gifts (apartments are small in China so money is far more practical). For an invitation to the wedding, guests are expected to give 400 to 800 RMB.

He was married in another province, so he and his wife took the office to dinner tonight. It was a Chinese Hot Pot called the Dollar Restaurant on the 21st floor of a building on Nanjing. Contrary to the name, the food was very good. We had a nice party room with a long table that barely seated us (we were a large group). Because of our size, the room was on the inside, so we did not have a view. None of the Chinese in my office drink much, so the fresh squeezed fruit juice was flowing.

As is typical in these venues, the rooms are very ornate and decorated with strong colors. This one was purple with red velvety chairs. There were mirrors on two walls and several on the ceiling. There was a white table cloth on the table (there always seems to be at Chinese restaurants - it is evident that I am not a native born chopstick user by the oil spill in front of my chair). Each of us had his own hot pot (you will often see shared pots), and as is always the case, there was a ridiculous amount of food. Excellent fresh vegetables, meat, fish.

We had a fantastic time and ate until we couldn't move. I'm sure the dinner was expensive and I'm sure our group gift didn't cover the cost. My western colleague and I had resolved to give 800 RMB each, but we were overridden by our assistant who firmly assured us it was inappropriate to give that amount on this occasion. 100 RMB is the limit. Our assistant is the "Miss Manors" of China, so we rely on her opinion in all types of situations. My western colleague commented that this was the one time Chinese tradition worked in our favor.

Massage Parlors

Massages are one of many advantages of living in Shanghai. I'd never had one before I moved here - absolutely no interest. Now they are a part of the routine. You learn to take advantage of the good things readily available. They won't be readily available forever.

There are numerous parlors across the city where one can find an excellent masseuse. You can expect to pay roughly US $7 for a 70 minute foot massage or US $12 to $15 for a 90 minute full body oil massage. They are best after dinner when feeling fat and tired.

Some parlors have more atmosphere than others and some are cleaner than others. And some are not massage parlors at all. Beware the house of ill repute. Most are easily spotted by a red, purple or black light bulb in the entrance. There will be several young ladies in evening dresses or unusually revealing clothing parked on a couch which is visible through the glass entrance doors. Their pimp will be hustling gentlemen on the sidewalk.

Then there are the neighborhood surprises.

A friend and I were walking back from lunch and the topic of a good massage came up. Both of us wondered what was available within a reasonable walking distance of my apartment. As he glanced up he noticed a foot imprint on a sign - the traditional designation of a massage parlor - one block north of my place. The exterior looked promising so he ran up and grabbed a brochure. In addition to a foot massage and a Taiwan massage (??), the Healthy Club offers the following 8 massages ranging from US $15 to $32:

1. Limber up the muscles and alleviate the pain. Efficacy: Lysis the tired muscles, limber up the muscles and alleviate the pain, promote the circulatory, and get rid of the trash in the body.

2. Maintain the kidney. Efficacy: Keep the kidney health, remove the typhoid and the rheumatosis, improve the blood weekand regulate the adrenaline.

3. Reduce the fat and remove the toxin. Efficacy: Promote the metabolism, remove the trash, toxin and unnecessary water in the body, reduce the fat.

4. Prostatitis anti-inflammatory. Efficacy: The essential oil easily absorbed by skin and get into prostate through capsule directly, then kill all pathogens quickly. Invigorate the circulation, reduce petechiae, swelling, restain fiber. Remove symptom.

5. Maintain the stomach. Efficacy: Promote the stomach peristalsis and the , limber up alimentary canal, and help to remove regurgitation and flatulent dyspepsia.

6. Nurse the intestinal tract. Efficacy: Promote the bowel peristalsis, clean the intestinal tract, and remove the constipation quickly.

7. Vigor-joy. Efficacy: Regulate the adrenaline secreting, and regulate sexual desire. Promote to secrete L-dopa, make joyful to sour and body. Give the nutrition to all cells, then get nourishing and strong.

8. Regulation hormone. Efficacy: Promote the adrenaline secreting, increase secreting testosterone. Overcome "operation anxiety", correct tracks reflex", balance the hormone, improve the sub-healthy state of psychology and physiology, make cells nourishing and strong and improve liminal value.

Tough call really. I hope they have gift certificates. They all sound great, but I'm particularly interested in the prostatitus anti-inflamatory. Terrific stocking stuffers for Christmas and going way presents.

Diet Craze

Forget South Beach and Atkins. Forget sweat and treadmills and weights. The Shanghai Diet is making the rounds - it is fast and easy -you can lose at least 5 to 7 lbs a week. I've heard first-hand two testimonials this week alone. Drink two to three ounces of tap water (ice at a local restaurant can be substituted) at least once each morning (for faster results, repeat in the evening) for a period two days. Do not plan to leave your apartment for at least four days after ingestion. This method will completely eliminate your appetite getting rid of those unwanted cravings for food. No exercise is required. Possible side effects include dehydration, nausea and death.

Elevators

In a restaurant on the 5th floor of an art museum in town, a plaque in the particularly small elevator read "Maximum Load: 13 people". Taped below it was a piece of paper that read "Or 4 Aussies".

Elevators in China are much smaller than you will find in the Western hemisphere, despite that they are required to hold 4 times as many people and are much slower. As a result, you will share the elevator with 10 -15 people at peak times during the day. There is no concept of personal space in China and nothing drives that home like standing on the elevator with someone's head of dirty hair in your mouth, another person's elbow in your ribcage and third person's halitosis streaming across your shoulder. My office is on the top floor, so this is an endurance test for me.

Most buildings are under-served by elevators, so it is the custom of Chinese to stand directly in front of the elevator so that their foreheads are approximately 2 inches away from the center of the doors. No need to wait until anyone has exited the elevator before stampeding on. This creates unnecessary chaos and delays at each stop. It is also customary to bang on the Door Close button immediately upon entering. This is a habit I've taken with me to the United States where it signals that there is a fire in the building or a nuclear bomb in the parking garage below.

Most elevators have flat screen TVs in them that promote products and services all day long. Taco Bell really needs to work on its advertisement. I have no idea what it says, but I know it is embarrassing. There are many advertisements for weight loss products - a mystery given that the average weight for an adult in China is probably 85 lbs. The advertisements are in Chinese, so I don't think they are directed at the fat westerners on elevator - the only legitimate targets.

Building management recently upgraded our elevator banks along with a number of other upgrades to the public spaces in the building. There was hope that management might (a) clean the elevators at the same time and (b) do something to speed them up. I assume there were some mechanical improvements made that aren't readily visible. Unfortunately, I don't know what they are. What I can tell is that the elevators now talk to you in English. "Fourth Floor. Doors are closing". Not helpful. Particularly to the Chinese who don't speak English. And they are slower. And dirty.

Food & Wine

If you are wondering what happened to the other part of the chicken, look no further. Feet, heads, and everything else you refuse to eat are popular exports to China. Feet and tongues always make the rounds on the lazy susan. I can't say that I've been that adventurous. I tried duck tongue and I can report that it is what you should expect from a tongue. Rough on one side, slimy on the other side with a tendon type thing running through the center. This convinced me I did not need to experiment further.

One of our assistants invited me to a dog show and exposition last year. I looked everywhere for pig ears - I'd been insisting that her dog would love them - but they were no where to be found. Later I realized that all the pigs' ears were competing for space with the tongues and feet on the Chinese dinner table.

The Chinese have stories for everything they put in their mouths. Lychee fruit is good for you but if you eat to many it will catch your mouth on fire and give you fever blisters. Some things are good for your hair, others your stomach and even your toenails. And then there are things to be avoided. Doctors insist, we are told by our office mates, that water with ice is unhealthy. My western colleague pointed out that doctors spun that tale because there was no ice.

Every formal Chinese meal, particularly if it involves a government official, will be accompanied by Bijou, a clear Chinese liquor to be sipped or shot in a small cordial glass. It is common practice at some restaurants to order a bottle. Whatever remains of the bottle at the end of the evening goes to a special cabinet in the restaurant and your name is affixed to the bottle for future use.

A colleague and I were dining with a Korean client at a Chinese restaurant close to the office. The client insisted on ordering a bottle of bijou. I was fairly new to China at the time, but I knew that whatever was in the cordial glass would go down much better all at once. Sipping did not look appealing. After I emptied my glass my colleague tugged on my arm and explained it was Chinese custom that no glass should remain empty. If I continued to shoot the liquor the waitress would continue to fill my glass. Bijou tastes like cheap ever clear vodka. The last thing you want is more.

If you spend any time in China, you will learn skills to politely decline the offer of bijou or other liquors used for gambei (toasts). Toasts are very popular with formal Chinese meals, and they are offered throughout the 2-3 hour feast at 3 to 5 minute intervals. The architect of this form of entertainment had as his ultimate goal to give the foreigner wet brain by the end of the evening. And a gambei unskillfully declined can be an insult.

Women have an obvious advantage over men in that they can insist that drinking is against their constitution. Half hearted excuses such as "I don't drink well" or "I really shouldn't, but thank you" will be met with determined resistance from your host. A female can escape with a firm "Thank you but I don't drink; I would prefer some of that nasty bottled carbonated orange juice with pulp". Men who attempt to decline an offer of bijou are given an unsympathetic ear. The Chinese are persistent and they don't like to drink alone. One acceptable out is to describe in modest detail the chemotherapy and radiation treatments you are undertaking for your liver cancer. This works particularly well for those with thinning hair.

If I am planning a dry evening, I find it useful to bring a hostage along with me to serve as a catalyst for the host's merriment. The newcomer, being unfamiliar with Chinese customs, is delighted for the opportunity to witness the spectacle first hand. The host is thrilled to test his entertaining skills out on both a newcomer and a veteran. Chinese are great entertainers. They will do whatever is necessary to ensure you are having a good time. By the end of the evening, your hostage will have consumed at least three things he would never considered putting in his mouth before, and he will be exceedingly drunk. Hopefully he had a good time in the process.

Good Friends

One of the great pleasures of expat life is getting together with close friends for dinner. It is more difficult than you would imagine because everyone is in the habit of traveling regularly, so when the opportunity presents itself, it is a treat. Saturday night marked the first opportunity in many moons to get together with a fascinating couple I greatly enjoy. They have lived in Asia for many years now, including stints in Taiwan, Korea, Japan, Hong Kong and now Shanghai. They have a knack for finding hidden treasures wherever they go and sharing the wealth of information they have accumulated. They recently discovered a small Chinese restaurant close to Maoming Lu and Julu Lu with four tables. The proprietors spoke no English, but my hosts both have a strong working knowledge of Chinese. Because of its size and popularity, reservations are a must. Food is served family-style – no menus. It was delicious and reminded me of a quaint place in the Midwest that hauls out fried chicken, mash potatoes, overcooked green beans, fantastic sausage and terrible biscuits every Sunday. Very comfortable. There is Chinese comfort food as well.

Tonight was a gathering of two other good friends, one who travels on a regular basis from Canada and another who has lived in Shanghai for about 1.5 years. We all get together three or four times a year for a good meal, beverages and some laughs. We dined at T8 – a nice restaurant in Xintandi frequented by foreigners. Our Canadian friend had just returned from a two week vacation to Africa and was loaded with tales that kept us enthralled for the better part of the evening. Each time I hear stories of far away lands, I am ready to pack my suitcase and go. My list of “Must Go-To Places” increases at a much faster rate than my ability to get up and go. The odds of actually making it to all these places is greatly reduced by the frequency with which I am required to cross the streets in Shanghai. Dodging buses is like swimming with alligators – you do it enough, you’re probably not going to come out on top.

This month I will say goodbye to five friends. A gal from New Jersey left this weekend. Another friend moves back to Hong Kong in several weeks. Two Aussie friends are making their way back to the homeland in early June and the fifth returns to England to get married mid-month. My aunt and uncle who have lived in Hong Kong for 30 years returned to the United States several months ago. In November, a close friend returned to Salt Lake. It is a transient place. Your feet are rarely in one place for long.

Construction in China

I love construction sites in China. They are fraught with opportunities for death and dismemberment for construction workers and pedestrians alike. It gives me something to pray about at night. The construction staging area is always the street. No barriers to protect citizens, no warning signs, no hard hat areas. Heavy cranes carrying multi-ton HVAC systems stretch across crowded intersections with an unwitting population casually passing beneath the freight. The bamboo scaffolding travels to the job site on the back of a construction worker's bike as does everything else that ultimately winds up in or on the building. I have never seen an 18 wheeler or a flatbed in Shanghai.

Unless the building is constructed by foreigners and is a fairly large development, the workers live in the building until it is complete. I witnessed this first hand during my first year in China while workers constructed a high rise across the street from my house. There is no electricity or plumbing until the building nears completion. As a result, the whole area around the building smells like a sewer lateral has broken. Or like stinky tofu. This is particularly nice in July and August.

After the workers had completed the building, they expanded the street in front and poured a area of concrete about one lane wide. They finished up in the evening and thought they were done. Until a woman drove her car right into the wet concrete. It didn't occur to anyone that a barricade might be appropriate. The wet concrete was virtually invisible to all but the spectators who were keeping tabs on the construction.

When westerners visit Shanghai for the first time, they frequently liken it to “New York on speed”. There is no question that Shanghai is one of the most exciting places to live in the world – vibrant, thriving and bursting with life. Architectural discretion is unfettered. If the building is built and designed by a Chinese company(ies), it will be constructed with pink or white bathroom tile on the outside which will never be cleaned no matter how long the building is standing. If it is built by anyone else, anything goes. My colleague and I were discussing a certain building which contains what appears to be a long glass (??) cylinder that stretches horizontally above the roof and leads nowhere. He aptly refers to it as the habitrail. There are all manner of buildings in Shanghai – buildings where the whole front acts as a TV set (all 80 floors); buildings that light up in various colors; buildings of all shapes and sizes made out of just about everything you can imagine. Buildings that blink, buildings with stripes, buildings that are ridiculously ornate, buildings that say Old Communist Russia, buildings that say Old Communist China….

Since OSHA isn't active in China, anything goes on the job site. No goggles, no hard hat, no problem. Just remember to return the tools when you finish welding the 5th and 6th floors together.

Construction workers have it hard in China. They are inevitably from the countryside and they are unskilled laborers. They keep just enough money to live on in the city (which is food and perhaps a pack of cigs) and the rest goes home to their families in the country. They frequently don't get paid by their Chinese contractors and there is little recourse. As you have probably gathered, job safety isn't on the radar screen in China yet.

Domestic Help

At first glance this is one of the big bonuses of China. For mere dollars a day (US $5 to be specific), the expat can procure the services of a native Shanghainese resident to perform those tasks deemed distasteful to the bachelor or lady of the house. This may be the first taste expats get of the cultural differences between westerners and Chinese.

I have never been accused of being particularly neat or tidy; however, I noticed several weeks after moving in that the level of the dish soap did not appear to be going down and the floor soap remained unopened. I wisely chose an ahi (maid in Chinese) who did not speak any English thinking it would force me to get serious about my Chinese studies. Faced with continuing to eat off dirty dishes and walk on filthy floors, I brought one of my well-educated colleagues in my office over to translate, a task well outside of her professional job description. Confusion reigned when I tried to explain the purpose of the soap. “Soap on the floors?” inquired the colleague as if I had three heads. Yes, and on the dishes in the sink. And she needs to change the water in the bucket when it gets dirty rather than trying to stretch the whole bucket to cover 250 sq. m. of space.

My clothes are now two colors: pink and dirty gray. Some still fit. We separate nothing. But it makes getting dressed easier in the morning.

Shopping in Shanghai

Plan on spending at least 3 hours when shopping in a Chinese department store, no matter how well prepared you are before you enter. You will NEVER locate the elevators, so don't bother trying. Take the escalator to your floor (most things you need will be on the 6th or 7th floor) and try to locate your item. The sales team does not speak English and they are not there to assist you. Find it yourself. Once the item is located, find a salesperson and use your body language to communicate your desire to own the item. She will soon disappear to a back room to locate a stack of invoices. Upon her return, she must write down the information on the item (sku/price/whatever else) and provide you with a copy to take to the cashier. In most department stores, there is a single cashier on each floor located in an out-of-the-way cubbyhole. If this is your lucky day, the sales clerk will point you in the right direction. If it is not, increase your time allotment to 4 hours. Once you've found the cashier, you must determine what credit cards, if any, they accept. Most accept some form of credit card, although the stores catering primarily to locals will only accept local credit cards and cash. Upon completing the transaction, you will be given a receipt which you will provide to the sales clerk in return for your item. Many stores will require you to go to a third location to obtain a second receipt. This will not be on the same floor. For items requiring delivery (remember, you don't have a car; you are taking a taxi), you will need to make at least one additional stop. No one at the delivery counter will speak English either, so get your cell phone out and call your good Chinese friend to act as a translator. Delivery - Wednesday at 1:00 p.m. They will come Thursday at 3:00 p.m. but don't let this bother you too much. Remember your cable company in the US.

Bargaining. You bargain for almost everything except food in "grocery stores" and clothing at western style department stores. Many westerners find this tiresome. Often, you are haggling over pennies for an item you don't really need and are certain isn't what they are telling you it is. "It's an antique pipe from Shanxxi province. Ming Dynasty." Really? Are you sure because it looks like a stone carving of Mao circa 1973.

We find ourselves bargaining not because we want to save money and get the best price or for the love of bargaining. We do it to save face. We don't want the other people in the store to think we are stupid tourists. We don't want the store keeper to think he or she "won". When we walk away we want people around us to be impressed with our bargaining skills and try to emulate them. Fact: No Chinese merchant has every taken a hit selling you a bad concrete likeness of Mao that just rolled off the line yesterday. The second you walk out the door, the merchant will reach behind the cabinet and pull out another antique that looks surprisingly like the one he/she sold you. And probably call in an order for 10 more because he can't believe the margins he was able to get.

My Colleagues

The very best thing about China is the people. Once you have been formally introduced, they are kind, thoughtful and believe it is their mission to make your stay in China a pleasant one. I have had the good fortune to travel to the home towns of two of my colleagues. On each occasion, I stayed with the colleague’s family, and I was able to experience a side of China closed to the transient tourist or businessman. It is easily my favorite side of China. It is large Chinese dinners with family and friends in ornate hotel party rooms. It is more food that you can imagine consuming in a week; it is free flowing beer and liquor; it is lots of cigarette smoke. It is beautiful countrysides and adventures in bamboo boats down rivers. I’ve ridden ponies, fished, hiked up mountains and toured monasteries. I learned to make dumplings on Chinese New Year and play mahjong badly. I had a really bad massage in a house of prostitution – the nature of the premises somehow escaped the attention of my colleague until the 18 year old scantily clad masseuse made it clear her skill set did not include massages – and stayed in one of the most charming hotels surrounded by magnificent rock formations and fantastic legends.

In both cases I was treated as an honored guest and as family. My colleagues served as my translators and for the most part were the only English speakers I would encounter during my stay.

Working with them has been enlightening. They are exceedingly intelligent, hardworking and committed. They put most Americans with whom I have worked to shame. They take ownership of projects from the time the project lands on their desks and return phone calls and emails to clients within minutes of receiving them. Clients trust them implicitly.

Working with western clients and meeting western expectations was initially difficult for them. Not because my colleagues lacked sophistication or intelligence, but western companies have an entirely different set of expectations than Chinese clients and play by a different set of rules. We have the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act and Sarbanes Oxley. Most countries do not face the same limitations. Chinese clients want to get the job done for an exceedingly low price. They are well aware that many things cannot be accomplished in China legally. They don’t like to pay taxes. They don’t worry about audits. They are familiar with the territory and the rules and have a much higher risk tolerance than western companies.

Western companies need to stay between the lines, play by the rules and minimize risk. It is one thing to analyze shades of gray in the US; it is an entirely different thing in China when confronted with an undeveloped, unpredictable legal system.

It has amazed me to watch my colleagues process this information quickly and efficiently. To have CEOs, CFOs and other high level officers of major US MNCs ask them to quaint dinners for high level discussions. And I am thankful that I work with them.

Transportation in China

We'll start with air transportation. Like everything else, the Chinese air carriers are built to hold Chinese people. Big fat American butts don't fit in the seats. I'm quite certain that the average 737 manages to hold 20 additional passengers. Chinese passengers anyway.

Would-be passengers are often startled to hear "This is the final boarding call for Flight MU 856 to _____" 45 minutes before the plane is scheduled to take off. Do not be alarmed. "First" and "final" are often interchangeable to the Chinese.

On boarding the plane, it might at first appear that there is a crowd of airline employees gathered at the entrance to the gate. Do not be alarmed. This is called full employment. Within a span of six feet, there is one person to make the announcement; another to check your ticket; another to check your passport; another to take a black magic marker and put a check mark on your ticket and a final person to make sure you have a check mark on your ticket before heading through the gate to board the bus (see below). You will find a repeat of this when you get ready to board the plane.

A colleague of mine recently traveled to India in the economy section of an unnamed Chinese carrier. He's a typical Midwestern cattle fed man, and he fretted about the placement of the armrests (I think he said somewhere between his bellybutton and the middle of his thigh). The passenger sitting next to him was Chinese, as were all the other passengers in economy. Westerns knew better and were in business or first class. His seat mate promptly removed his shoes (I'm told they'd seen better days) and proceeded to hack and spit on the floor in front of him for the duration of the 7 hour flight. It did not bode well for the rest of the trip.

When flying domestically or on many international flights (this certainly includes Hong Kong) the Asian carriers are too cheap to pay the fees to pull up to the terminal. As a result, passengers must exit using stairs and then hop on a bus with 3000 other people to get to the gate. This is pleasant enough in October and May. But Shanghai is not Hong Kong or the Bahamas. It is cold and rainy all winter and as breathtakingly hot in the summer. The last thing you want to do is face the elements and then a bus with no heat or A/C. I got into an argument over dinner with a good client and some businessmen who assured me they had never been forced to walk the plank at the international airport. The following morning I received a phone call from my client: "Guess where I am?" I assume you are at the airport. "I'm in a bus heading out to my plane".

Expect to encounter air turbulence during your flight. Once in air turbulence, don't expect to get out of it soon. Announcements will be repeated frequently to remind you that there is still air turbulence and that you should keep your seat belt buckled until instructed otherwise. They will interrupt your inflight movie (if you are in business class - see above on the importance of business class). The atmosphere above China is not any more "turbulent" or rough than any place else in the world. It is simply that the Chinese military takes more than its fair share of the friendly skies. There are 13 levels in the sky where planes can fly. Civilian aircraft get their choice of 6 or 7 of those. The military gets the rest. This problem is not lost on the Chinese government which recently negotiated for several additional spots during the Beijing Olympics. It is not lost on USTR either. Additional space for civilian airlines is one of the negotiating points in the upcoming trade negotiations between the US and China. Let's hope for some movement.

Vehicular Traffic: I've never been on a bus in Shanghai, but I have been the target of many of them. The first thing to realize on moving to Shanghai is that the traffic guards present in most major intersections are not there for your protection. They are there to protect the buses and cars. The order of priority in public rights of way is as follows:

1. Buses and trucks;
2. cars;
3. motorized scooters and motorcycles;
4. bicycles;
5. you;
6. children
7. animals.

Be very clear of your rank in the pecking order before you attempt to cross the street.

The painted lines in the rights of way mean absolutely nothing. Don't bother worrying about them. Just look right, left, back and front before crossing. Or taking a walk down the side walk.

A number of streets in Shanghai have outlawed bicycles and motorcycles from the street. Chinese aren't easily discouraged. They will fly down the sidewalk on their motorcycle at 90 miles per hour honking continually at pedestrians and wearing what appears to be an English riding hard hat. One can only wonder if the hat and the Bund are the only vestiges of British occupation remaining after Mao.

Housing in China

I have recently moved to a new apartment. Although I loved the old apartment, I realized shortly after moving there that it would take a lifetime to acquire enough furniture to make it feel lived in, plus it was on three floors. For those unfamiliar with China, Chinese people are very small. So are their feet and the stairs were made for those feet. Another drawback was that the Chinese actually built the place but that is difficult to avoid here. When things break, they don't go to a lot of effort to fix them and over time in an old house that takes its toll.

My new place is a highrise across the street from the old place. Because it is China, there are many humorous stories to tell. The architect of my highrise, like probably every other architect in China, failed to include a service elevator in the conceptual plans of the building. As a result, there are two elevators, both of which were made to hold........Chinese people. Not furniture. Never fear, when the antique furniture salesman is made to understand that if he cannot get the overpriced newly- minted antique into your apartment you want your money back, he will mysteriously round up a posse of poor Chinese men to haul the 2 ton furniture up 28 flights of stairs to your apartment. Yes it is embarrassing, and yes you want to hide when they finally make it to the top. Particularly when there are still two heavy pieces sitting downstairs in the lobby waiting to make their way up the stairs.

A bit about my apartment. It is much smaller than the old one and feels much more comfortable. It still has three bedrooms, but I am down to 2 bathrooms. Not a problem since I only used one in the old place anyway. There is tons of light - windows in every room and well configured. In two rooms, I have sliding glass doors that open to let the heavy smog that starts to accumulate around floor 25 into the apartment. All windows and doors open. There are no screens. The first sliding glass door opens, naturally, on to a balcony off the bedroom. The second set of sliding glass doors open onto the concrete driveway 28 floors below. There was enough foresight to place a wrought iron fence just outside the sliding glass doors so guests who might presume there is something on the other side of the doors are not caught off guard. Probably not ideal for small children, however.

In my old apartment I had a very large kitchen - it was one of a number of misguided requirements that I drilled into my real estate company. Having used the kitchen in the old place a total of once, I decided I didn't need to pay for that real estate again. This apartment has a kitchen just slightly smaller than my guest bathroom. While I can turn a full circle in it, it is better not to be holding anything at the time. It has a refrig, a microwave (mounted of course - no counterspace) and what passes for a stove/oven in China. There is an oven hood of the type that suggests a large Viking range lives below it. Mine however hovers above two scrawny burners. Below that you could be fooled at first glance into thinking you have an oven. Ovens are pretty rare in China since Chinese people cook on woks. My "oven" is a plate warmer (I think). My maid uses it to store my silverware and cooking utensils. The cabinet space is sparce, largely due to the size of the oven hood and a nice window. The cabinet space I do have requires a ladder or very narrow boxes/bottles due to the sofits that line the walls behind them. Hence the need for the 2 ton piece of furniture just outside the kitchen. Must have room for plates!

Another requirement of housing in China (modern and old lane homes) is that the doorways must be small enough that no furniture, no matter how many pieces it breaks down into, can pass through the door frame. It is great fun to watch the moving men give you a forelorn look after carrying the piece up 28 floors only to discover it won't fit through any of the doorframes in the house. Try a little harder to get it in????

Introduction to Shanghai Voodoo

I relocated to Shanghai in 2005 from the Midwest and have encountered countless entertaining situations and kind people. This blog is intended to capture some of those experiences for friends and family without having to bombard them with an endless stream of emails. Read it if your interested; ignore it if you aren't. Above all, know that I love China. If you don't see humor in everyday circumstances here, the men in white suits will ultimately come for you.